20251129 meditation log
3pm ish
i did 18m of samadhi practice and wow yeah my mind is so scattered. i've been noticing for a long time that my mind is super super scattered like opposite of that one month in summer 2022
also the second half was way worse than the first half, i started just getting rly uncomfortable and wanting to leave
i'm remembering my oct2023 meditation experience (i think it was like accidental J4 then accidental J7 or cessation? smth like that, tbh idk tho) and then for the post-sit talk/q&a there were questions like "but what if itch" "what if uncomfy" and it just felt like bro you dont get it
but yeah wow lol i just rly wanted to leave the sit lol
2am (before sleeping)
did 38m of jhana practice (18m initial but then extended 10m twice)
i think i'm getting better at doing mental move to generate pos emotion + initial looping/pulsing on it. or at least during this session i was able to do it like . more than twice (usually only able to do it once! or twice. then blocked by neg emotion or frustration etc. but this session was able to do it even after that! multiple times)
im reminded of . when i was learning tennis . it's like . sometimes you learn individual movements first . then you're able to put it all together into a decently-fluid movement . then you're able to make it even More Fluid by not even really thinking abt the movement, just setting the intention to hit the ball to xyz target and allowing your body to do the thing . and then it feels just very biomechanically efficient and it feels like you're very connected with the ball and the target . i sorta kinda ish felt my first glimpses of that for the pos emotion mental movement, i think?
also - i feel sorta tense/anxious/FUD/frustrated a lot during these sits, and previously i wouldve just respected that and stopped, but recently it's felt like Oh it's a kind of nervousness that doesn't necessarily mean i have to stop, it's kinda like when i feel anxious during the first stage of a long run, and it's like Oh i can still continue and do the movements despite that, and then it'll go away or i can befriend the frustration then it'll go away / etc wtvr
also tried controlling things less, i tried "asking the ball" (not for the tension / neg emotions / etc, but like for the mental movements, treating the mental movements like smooth federer tennis as opposed to nadal/alcaraz tennis) or i guess maybe a better analogy is just . went with the flow, "did what my body hinted at me to do"
i also maybe (?) was able to feel the "gap" (reactivity practice), like i was non-suffering enough that i could actually sorta feel like Oh some of these sucky things aren't fully colored by suckiness, sometimes (for a second or two) they can just be sensations (and then the suckiness/clenching returns) (???? i think i felt that?)
gonna read owen's 500 word jhana diy guide before tmrw's jhana practice, i probably have some big things to improve about how im relating to the pos emotions and how im relating to the neg emotions
OH WAIT ALSO forgot to say -- this actually felt fun!!!! this was the first time that i felt like whoa i could keep experimenting and experimenting. like yeah before it had fun moments but like overall slightly net frustrating. this time it was like i'm actually looking forward to tmrw's jhana experiments
did 17m reactivity inquiry, idk i don't feel like i'm necessarily making progress? or maybe i am. idk tbh. im just doing the thing i said in https://corbin.bearblog.dev/20251129-notes/, i'm not getting instantly-tangible progress, but maybe it's supposed to be like that, like improving running endurance?