20251127 meditation log
(this is mostly transcribed from my physical notebook, some edits for clarity)
nov 27, 1pm
i also tried at least 1 hour of inquiry last night i think
gonna try just playing around w/ inquiry now
instead of artificially being curious & just spamming technique experiments, how can i be genuinely curious about "oh shit wait whoa, do i Need to react? why do i need to react? is there a Reactor?"
mental motions im trying:
- it feels like there's a pull to get out of the inquiry & distract myself. where does that pull actually come from? why is it not just uncomfy sensations?
- "giving it to the ball" (link) trying to remember exactly how i did that, how i just breathed in the tension then viewed it as uncomfy computation...
- i feel like i'm sorta scattered or like things r sorta blurry?? i'm not able to "give it to the ball" as easily/legibly rn
hmm it's like i can only give it to the ball if i'm confused about smth, like eg in creative/writer's block or smth. or even rn being confused abt the fetters inquiry mechanism & how to go about it. i can give that confused tension to the ball. but i seemingly can't really do it just for general neg emotions/tension......?
5pm
[i wrote down things abt me being sad, won't copy here] Anyway that brought up a lot of triggers/reactivity but idk exactly how to actually work w/ that and actually clearly look at the "gap" or the "button" or whatever
hmm okay Dilullo describes it rly well w/ alternative terminology in this video
let's try his frame of like .
- gap = the uncomfy squirming, i feel like i rly have to leave this by doing smth or distracting myself or coping mech etc
- reaction = doing smth abt the uncomfy
bc i thought they meant like .
- gap = the neutral uncomfy sensations
- reaction = the suffering
idk i feel like i'm getting mixed info
tried doing some inquiry
fell asleep
i didn't have much legibility w/ bringing up smth specific so i just tried inquiring on the push/pull within experience (tweet)? idk if i'm doing things right tho
8pm, 15mins
i tried doing smth like . trying to untense in a cold shower
not questioning the sadness or wtvr but questioning the suckiness of it & the Flinch
trying to relax the flinch
i wonder how fast one could any% breaking reactivity including rest/nonpractice time.
is it like gym/running?\ (you just can't do 10x practice then get 10x speedier results, it just doesn't work that way)
or is it doable in a week like DRSB workshop & jhourney retreat? (40 hours of practice in one week then boom you basically downloaded the skill)
or is it somewhere in the middle like learning chinese or tennis?
2am
[blah blah i wrote down a lot of sad things, i won't copy all of them here] i can't remember the last time i had an actual stable positive emotion untainted for more than like 120 consecutive seconds
hopefully i can break reactivity soon!