20251126 meditation log
(this is mostly transcribed from my physical notebook, some edits for clarity)
when i sit down there's this stress and it feels expectation-textured
i think i can just think about it like the nervousness during the first 10-20 mins of a run
2am, 16 mins
was able to get into relaxation, but can't fucking spark any pos emotion wtf?
10 mins
it's almost like i'm scared of pos emotion? like the attractor basin is only towards tension & stress and wtf i don't have any default pos emotions except via comedy + wtvr like w/ friends etc but no actual pos emotions arising just by being or wtvr
is there a cool mental game i can play to reproducibly create pos emotion? kinda like the bunny method but like better. or like owen's noticing + congratulating (which he also incorporated into daily life but probably good to do it less rigid than clicker)
man i am excited for when it doesn't feel like my default is ambient low-grade anxiety all the time + frequent crash outs & whatnot. at least the past 4 weeks were better (a lot better) than september & 1st half of october & summer
oh also could there by smth like the upside-down drawing exercise (DRSB) that makes the left brain drop out?? or like when you learn chinese or piano in a way that the left brain doesn't come in... how to do that for meditation?
nov 26, 3pm, 20mins
will try the delson armstrong forgiveness meditation (30 mins)
10 mins in... idk dude forgiveness just feels inert for me rn, like not even anti but just inert...
did wim hof breathing (11 mins)
man idk how this will happen ... UGH! i just need deterministic positive emotion access
4pm, 20 mins
tried some experiments while walking to whole foods... i am bunni... ENJOYER OF THINGS! APPRECIATOR OF THINGS!! sorta worked idk. generally... i felt slightly but tangibly less anxiety for a bit, idk (maybe just lucky / not causation)
i'm reminded of how running is not rly enjoyable for the first week or two but then you unlock your first runner's high and then reliable deterministic runner's high
and also running is not enjoyable unless you are not torturing yourself
6pm
lemme try just relaxing then letting the clouds clear to reveal pleasure
14 mins - hm yeah i can still relax pretty well but i can't find pos emotion.
7pm
i wrote down a note [2025-11-26 at 19:29]
not gonna put all of it here but here's an excerpt
and its like . dang dude how do u even solve that problem i feel like the only empirically reproducible way to solve this is . breaking reactivity otherwise it's just flaky breakthroughs or very small incremental gains that dont tackle the root of the problem and so they dont last
but then the problem is like . i feel like thats the only solution so then ive closed myself off even more
hmm but in a sense thats sort of the expected initial outcome for asymmetric pursuits like when you're pursuing a startup you make $0 or even negative at first before cashing out on $30mil but it's a very fine line between starting a startup and being in the trenches persevering before your eventual cashout, vs just actually being in the trenches and perpetuating that
8pm
will read Michelberger's book
i'll try some inquiry later.
30mins??
nov 27, 1am
idk how tf to look for the self
maybe you just still feel sense of self until centerlessness. idk who knows.
have i hit SE?? who tf knows.
i'm just gonna try the inquiry for 4 & 5
i think it may be best to treat all meditation/inquiry instructions like smth you saw on the r/LucidDreaming subreddit like it's just some guy saying some autistic technique that he discovered his body can do and it should prob take <100 hrs practice to reproduce
—
wait maybe i don't have difficulty bringing up a trigger, maybe i was just trying to fit it to what i thought they were saying but actually maybe i'm already doing it but just w/ my own language. like in an IFS/focusing language.
and like . it's not just oh i'm alr doing it so now i can have an easier time doing it in their structure/language, maybe it's just like, i gotta do it in the language that i'm familiar with.
hopefully we are both pointing to the same thing tho. or else it won't rly work...
—
hmm it might be REALLY good to decouple these practices from Buddhism bc it creates all these huge misconceptions + has so much baggage + creates so much seriousness/expectation/etc
whereas if you just view it as "some redditor on r/LucidDreaming (or wtvr) explained some technique that got him to do [xyz]" then it's like oh wow you can just try it and tinker w/ it w/ very little expectations and lots of openness about what you "should" be experiencing instead of constantly trying to pattern match to the models & wtvr. it should just be like oh cool trick that my body can do.